Monday, 28 September 2015

'Ready or not here I come.'

How would you feel about taking a fitness class from an instructor that couldn't touch her toes, or advice about nutrition from an overweight dietitian?  Do you judge them and wish you could get your money back before you even start? Perhaps you admire them for not caring what 'everyone else' thinks? Dear Aphrodite likes to take a moment and wonder what drives them. What if the best healers really are the ones that need the most healing. 

This months blog is a personal story written by one of Aphrodisiac Male Escorts' two directors. Madam Regina presents a classic 'do as I say not as I do' story with a final twist that delves into what occurs when someone finally takes their own advice. There is something to be learned in every paragraph of this story... Dear Aphrodite presents: 

An intimate confession.

Given that I'm such a private person, I've been agonising over whether to share a very intimate part of myself. It has taken a great deal of courage to move through my fears but ultimately what tipped the scales in my decision to share, is the inner knowing that some may connect to the essence of my story. This is not easy. I'm shy about people knowing things. 

Firstly, I'm a single mum to 2 beautiful kids. I am also a business-woman, a daughter, sister, an auntie and a friend. Until earlier this year I had been celibate for the best part of a decade. Ten whole, long years. I can hear you saying "for the love of Denzel Washington...why?!" It's a great question. The answer is complex, but the main reason was to get back on my feet after a break up and to focus on raising my kids. I consciously shut off the notion of having a partner in my life. I wasn't hating on men, in fact I love them. I just didn't want to deal with having one... for the time being. 

I set out with purpose to become invisible to men.
Over time I gained weight and played myself down. I didn't notice men, and soon enough, it seemed, they stopped noticing me. This was despite the fact that I was by nature a very sexual human, at the time it felt right. 

My family and friends eventually gave up on the idea of me partnering up. I just wouldn’t hear of it. I went about life whilst working hard to heal my heart and restore balance, eventually only savouring a faint memory of past ecstasy. I have been lucky enough to experience other worldly intimacy. I knew exactly what I was missing. I had successfully tamed the wild woman in me and my for the time being rolled into years. 

About a year ago, almost 2 years into running Aphrodisiac Male Escorts, a niggling sensation awoke within me. Whist trying so hard to keep up with the responsibility of being a mum and keeping up a fulfilling yet demanding business, my contentment was slowly turning into restlessness. What once felt safe was morphing into confinement, imprisonment; I had clipped my own wings. I was running on empty. Stagnation comes to mind as I write this. 

I had lost myself. 

Hearing stories almost daily from our clients about extended periods of celibacy. A year, 2 years. 4 years, 7 years.....20 years, was a constant reminder of my own buried sense of self. I listened to their fears and uncertainties about taking a step forward, moving on, healing their heart...mending their broken wings then walked side by side with them to hear their brave stories of triumph and delight on the other side of courage. I began to feel like a fraud. I knew the ride from where I was, back to my purpose was going to be a confronting, uncertain one; and at some point felt like I had no choice. I'm sure our clients had no idea how intensely we feel their stories. Let's just say that tears have flowed more than once.
I couldn't live with my discomfort anymore, that dense foreboding of finding myself on the 'old' side of being a middle- aged woman. I don't have an issue with maturing. What bothered me was feeling old...that somehow, somewhere I'd lost my softness. My femininity. And as funny as it seems to say now, I felt like I was at a point of no return. The sensual womanly experiences I had so revelled in were in my distant past. Kind of in that 'If you don't use it, you lose it' style. 

Leaving the comfort zone.

I started on a path without any idea where I was heading. I still wasn't interested in a relationship or even dating for that matter. I had no intention of kissing a thousand frogs to get my needs met. The notion of online dating, weeding through profiles with no real guarantee of satisfaction was daunting to say the least. It is safe to say that I was clueless about the brave new world of dating…but I did have a good grasp on hiring a male least in theory.

I held my cards close to my chest, not sharing my thoughts with anyone not even with my childhood best friend and business partner, Anna, for fear of backing out. Over the next several months I researched other male escorts agencies and gentlemen that were working independently. This time it wasn't for a competitive edge but through the eyes and emotions of a client. 

I had a check-list of minimum requirements needing to be met so that I could feel comfortable enough to step outside my comfort zone. I required to feel safe, to be assured of confidentiality, ensure safe sex practice and to know that the escort was registered as a sex worker, for assurance of regular STI health checks. In addition, chemistry was a MUST. My demands led to disappointment. The men were either physically unappealing, some clearly didn't understand women. Some had no clue about being in the service industry and others could only be loosely referred to as ‘gentlemen’.  

Running away from home.

After months of researching, getting cold feet, feeling frustrated with myself, and then searching again, I finally decided on an independent male escort. He had that certain je ne sais quoi, his profile read well and he managed to relay his passion for women. 

I called him up for a chat and although he wasn't as polished on the phone, I pushed through and organised a 2- hour booking with him. There was no sense of excitement- it was more like "now look what you've gone and done?!" Shutting out the immense discomfort I then booked a 3 day stay in a hotel with a great balcony view of the Melbourne city skyline. My booking with, lets call him *Sam, was to take place on the last evening of my mini vacation...I hadn't had a break for 4 years... yes mamma was running away from home!

For the next 2 weeks leading up to D Day, I must have changed my mind a dozen times or so. Emotions ranged from panic to dread to excitement and back to panic. I refused to tell anyone and my internal dialogue was loud and unrelenting. Bridgette Jones had nothing on me. Every possible insecurity took it’s turn to rise to the surface. I acknowledged and ignored myself, knowing that ultimately this was my best opportunity to overcome my hiatus from whole adult life. After all I was in full control and could say 'no' at anytime…and that in the absence of chemistry, I could receive a nice massage or just simply send the male escort away.

       'The best way out is always through.' Robert Frost

It took quite a bit of manoeuvring and negotiating but I managed to organise the kids and my schedule in such a way as to avoid the world ending while I was away. I arrived at the hotel armed with scented candles, a bottle of wine, my favourite music, a book, sensual lingerie and my laptop. The room was beautiful, the view magnificent - I felt like a queen. I did not venture out of the room the entire time. I indulged in room-service and watched re-runs of Entourage. I jumped on the bed, took long long showers, napped, walked around naked and I danced. By day 2 I felt more myself than I had in a very long time. In the absence of my intense schedule and all the roles I play I still existed….how about that!?

D Day- I woke up in a panic not unlike the morning of my tandem skydive 12 years ago. Me and my brilliant ideas! "Feel the fear and do it anyway" was my mental mantra on repeat. Sam was due to arrive at 6pm. I had to keep myself occupied the entire day. Trying to read a book was pointless and so Entourage came to the rescue once again.

By 4pm I was having heart palpitations. I thought I might be having a heart attack. Inhaling; I got busy preening myself. I prepared an envelope with money for Sam and put it on the dresser. By 5.30 I was pacing. The irony was not lost on me. How many clients have we placated prior to their first booking?...Hundreds.

5.50pm I get a text from Sam that his taxi is stuck in traffic and he's running 20 minutes late. I feel sick, grateful that I only had a light lunch. More time to kill. 6.08pm my phone rings, Sam's in the lobby. I give him the room number. Wobbly knees and all, I walk to the door to meet him. 

Ready or not here I come.

I opened the door to be greeted with a warm smile, I am surprised by his overpowering presence. His photo certainly didn't do him justice. Thoughts of handing Sam the envelope and sending him away disappear. Picking up on my nerves, he took over with light conversation and accepted a glass of wine from my not-so-steady hand. I couldn’t master any level of sophistication or feign confidence. He asked me about myself. I gave him a brief overview about my celibacy, omitting the duration, and expressed that the purpose was to see if I can even attempt get back on that bike.

He took my hand and leaned in to kiss me. The rest is a blur of undulating waves of pleasure and passionate alchemy. It was intoxicating; a sensory carnival. I saw myself through Sam’s eyes and I felt beautiful. I felt sexy...and I still had it - in spades! Sam mirrored me perfectly. I ended up extending for a third hour, revelling in the feather-like touches, soft whispers, delicious kisses, breathy moans and divine injections of sublime erections. Exhaling- I am reborn. 

The erotic animation of worshipping and being worshipped is seared into my memory. 

The re-awakening - A rite of passage.

Despite being strangers, I set out to experience true intimacy and I did it. Sam seemed delightfully affected by it too. It was so liberating to take that leap across this canyon of paralysing fear and uncertainty. I can never again un-know my womanly essence. It has no expiry date. It only took me 44 years… I bloomed in secret because I guess the most beautiful things always do. 

A month later, I was still walking in suspended elation…cloud 9 and all that jazz. My skin was dewy with that indefinable afterglow. A knowing smile was a permanent fixture on my face with no sign of vacating anytime soon. I once again felt my center of gravity. I felt soft, feminine yet extraordinarily powerful. Everything looked brighter and I moved through my daily tasks with relative ease. And men noticed me once more…or was it me who noticed them?

Today, I'm writing this from my home, from the same slouchy couch where I felt so lost just a year ago.

The difference? Me, the men I've embraced and the miles I've travelled since. I truly believe that a clear purpose propelled me to move through the immense fear and confusion. I used this experience to face my seemingly insurmountable self-doubt. I wouldn't say that I'm quite whole just yet, but I have taken a quantum leap towards it. 

I feel such pride in the heart-centred service Anna and I have worked so hard to create for women to safely journey through what I now understand to be a modern day rite-of-passage.

"Please let’s not place an ignorant cultural taboo on celebrating sexiness in all it’s forms and please let’s broaden our appreciation for all that we men and women are. Let’s become fascinated with each other, immersing ourselves deeply in all our qualities, mutual and diverse. When we do this, we WE OURSELVES open up our excitements and fascinations, the covers of all the magazines will change and the occasional wolf-whistle in the street might even be welcomed."
-Jamie Catto

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Did Regina's story move you? Let her know how you feel. Use the comments below or send an email to